Frequently Asked Questions

I recently helped a friend find a therapist and it reminded me just how daunting that task can be, especially for someone who has never seen a therapist before. I am hoping that this FAQ can help you on your journey!

Research findings are clear – the most important factor in therapy outcomes is the quality of the relationship between the therapist and client. If the relationship is good (e.g. the client feels safe, trusts the therapist), therapy will have a much greater effect.

When selecting a therapist, you can ask yourself – Do I feel comfortable with this person? Did he or she focus on the issues that are important to me? Do I trust he or she has the skills and expertise that I need to heal? It is totally ok to go with your gut on the answers to these questions – how you feel with your therapist is very important!

The bottom line is that you must feel safe and comfortable for therapy to work. If you don’t feel safe with your therapist, you should either have a conversation with him or her, or you should keep looking.

There are some basics that you should look for in the first few sessions:

  • Did the therapist focus on you? The primary focus in every session should always be on YOU and the problems you want to solve.
  • Did the therapist answer any questions you asked about him or her? The therapist should be willing to answer any relevant questions you might have about him or her (e.g. training, experience, licensure, etc)
  • Did the therapist focus on the issue you are interested in resolving? The majority of time in a session should feel relevant to you. If the therapist focuses on something that doesn’t make sense to you or doesn’t seem on target with what you want to work on, speak up. If they don’t re-focus when you speak up, you may want to find a different therapist.
  • Was the therapist professional? You can expect a good therapist to be on time, organized, provide you with your full session length, and fully focused on you (e.g., does not eat or answer his or her phone during your session time). You have paid for your time, and it should be fully dedicated to you.
  • Are you getting results or learning something valuable about yourself? You should feel you are getting something out of most if not all sessions, and moving towards your goals. If you feel you are making little to no measurable progress, you should talk that over your therapist. If you are not satisfied, you should feel free to try another therapist. As with other relationships, some individuals are going to be a better fit for you than others.

A few things you should seek out in a couples therapist are:

  • He or she specializes in and has in-depth training in couples work. Couples work is challenging, and research indicates that therapists who have advanced training are likely to be significantly more effective. William Doherty, Ph.D. stated in a Psychotherapy Networker article entitled “Bad Couples Therapy”: “…From a consumer’s point of view, going in for couples therapy [with a therapist who isn’t trained in couples therapy specifically] is like having your broken leg set by a doctor who skipped orthopedics in medical school.”
  • He or she should be seeing couples on a regular basis and it should be a significant portion of the therapists’ practice. This indicates that the therapists’ skills are likely to be “fresh.”

Yes. Doing your own counseling can help you approach your partner in a different way, to create a safer, more connected relationship. This might increase your partner’s willingness to engage in couples counseling. More importantly, the changes you make might be enough to change the relationship in the direction you want.

Most individual clients find weekly sessions helpful. However, you can choose the frequency that works for you.

For couples in distress, I generally require weekly sessions at the outset of therapy. This is because it can be very hard to make progress towards understanding and healing relationship issues when there is a large gap between sessions. When much of the relationship is healed, I am happy to accommodate a less frequent schedule.

The answer to this question is “it depends.” Every individual and couple is unique, so how long the therapy process takes varies considerably. After we have met and I have an idea of what you would like to achieve, I may be able to give you an idea of how long therapy might be using my experience as a guide. And I can of course update you along the way.

You should also know that it is always be your choice as to when to end therapy, and that you can end therapy at any time and for any reason, even if your therapist recommends that you should continue in treatment.