Over the last few decades, researchers have done a lot of “myth busting” with respect to what makes for a happy marriage. For example, happy couples do NOT:
- Use active listening skills
- Have superior problem solving skills.
- Avoid using anger
- Avoid conflict
- Have all of their childhood issues resolved
- Keep everything equal (e.g. operate in a quid-pro-quo way)
So what does research tell us about what does matter? What researchers have found is that happy couples at able to:
- Be tactful rather than critical when raising and discussing issues
- Respond to their partner’s concerns rather than becoming defensive
- Repair the relationship after an argument (e.g. apologize, own negative behaviors, talk about what went wrong)
- And listen up guys… research indicates that the male’s ability to self-soothe and de-escalate arguments is a predictor for martial happiness. In other words, the man’s ability to keep your cool and respond tactfully in an argument really matters.
Of course, implementing these behaviors during an argument can be challenging, but at least with this list, you can focus your efforts on developing the skills that really matter!
