Some of my clients have asked “My partner wants me to compliment every little thing! Do I have to praise or compliment my partner when they do things they should do, like take out the trash, go to work, or clean the kitchen?”

My answer to this question is simple: “Yes, you do.” Why am I so sure it’s important? I can be sure, because marital research is very clear on the topic. Couples who are “marriage masters” have a positivity-to-negativity ratio of 5:1, versus the couples in “marriage disasters” that have a ratio of 1:1.25. That means that happy couples have five positive interactions with their partner (which includes statements that value your partner, such as compliments and appreciation) to negative interactions (e.g. complaints). Positive interactions, and particularly appreciation, increase your partner’s sense of worth and value in the marriage. This increased esteem provides an important emotional buffer that helps your spouse hear your complaints without feeling like they are somehow a failure in your eyes.

It’s easy enough to imagine – consider if your spouse said the following over the course of the week (everything else being neutral):
• Thanks for taking me out to dinner – that was lovely.
• You forgot to take out the trash – can you get on it?
• You look great in that suit!
• The planters needs weeding – why haven’t you gotten to it yet? I asked you last Friday…
• I appreciate that you work hard for our family.
• The bedroom is a mess – can you pick up your stuff?

How would you feel? Probably just “ok” at best. And notice that the “negatives” in the list were actually pretty mild – imagine if they were worse (e.g. “You never pick up your clothes. Gees, you are such a slob!”)

Now imagine an alternative list:
• You did a really nice job with the laundry – thanks for taking that off my to-do list!
• Thanks for taking me out to dinner – that was lovely.
• Wow, the kitchen is sparkling! You did a great job cleaning up in there.
• Hey, you forgot to take out the trash – can you do it now?
• I really appreciate how hard your work for our family. Thanks for keeping a roof over our head!
• You really look great in that coat!

Again, how would you feel? I would suspect that most people would feel better after the second list. They are more likely to feel like their spouse sees and values what they do right in the relationship. And hearing five positives really lowers the impact of the one negative statement.

If you still don’t buy it, it might help to know that in addition to the marital research, there’s plenty of behavioral and organizational research that indicates people are more likely to be motivated and repeat tasks well that are appreciated or praised – it just feels good to be appreciated!

So if you want a simple way to start improving your marriage today, just start catching your spouse doing things right, no matter how small they are, and let him or her know you appreciate them!